I've been on a medication since my heart problems earlier this year. My doctor soon doubled the dosage and sent me to medication management. In medication management I was prescribed another drug, the highest dosage, twice a day. Now this new medication helps off set the first medication, and stabilize my moods (which has not quite kicked in yet!) However the side effects can go on and on.
Only two things are saving me and they both are slipping slowly. Marijuana is losing it's touch and even making some things worse, such as my OCD lip chewing. As for the other, Mike, he is the love of my life. It's just with these mood swings its so hard to keep steady on one emotion. I go from idealizing him to hating him! I can't stand it, I love him so much. I just want to make sure he always knows how much I care about him.
It's almost sad how long this behavior has been going on. I've been like this as long as I can recall. I have just suppressed it for so long I made it a way of life, a way to get by. However this plan isn't flawless. I've taken the aggression on myself either by self harm, eating disorders, drugs, and screwing myself up financially. It is no wonder why I feel like a failure when I am self sabotaging.
Don't like the therapist. She's a nice lady, but not someone who I feel comfortable really letting myself talk to. When I see her I think of my grandmother and there are just things I don't ever want to say in front of a woman that I have so much respect for. Besides I have a million other reasons why I don't like her and Mike still just believes that I am just not wanting to do this. Am I? No. Do I want to do this? No. Am I going to do it any way? You bet your ass because I can't just sit around and waste my life being fucking miserable.
End Rant.
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