Start Rant.

I've been on a medication since my heart problems earlier this year. My doctor soon doubled the dosage and sent me to medication management. In medication management I was prescribed another drug, the highest dosage, twice a day. Now this new medication helps off set the first medication, and stabilize my moods (which has not quite kicked in yet!) However the side effects can go on and on.

Only two things are saving me and they both are slipping slowly. Marijuana is losing it's touch and even making some things worse, such as my OCD lip chewing. As for the other, Mike, he is the love of my life. It's just with these mood swings its so hard to keep steady on one emotion. I go from idealizing him to hating him! I can't stand it, I love him so much. I just want to make sure he always knows how much I care about him.

It's almost sad how long this behavior has been going on. I've been like this as long as I can recall. I have just suppressed it for so long I made it a way of life, a way to get by. However this plan isn't flawless. I've taken the aggression on myself either by self harm, eating disorders, drugs, and screwing myself up financially. It is no wonder why I feel like a failure when I am self sabotaging.

Don't like the therapist. She's a nice lady, but not someone who I feel comfortable really letting myself talk to. When I see her I think of my grandmother and there are just things I don't ever want to say in front of a woman that I have so much respect for. Besides I have a million other reasons why I don't like her and Mike still just believes that I am just not wanting to do this. Am I? No. Do I want to do this? No. Am I going to do it any way? You bet your ass because I can't just sit around and waste my life being fucking miserable.

End Rant.

To Be, or Not To Be...?

Can't bring myself to go into work these days. These past five actually.
I don't know what's going on. I feel like I am regressing in all my progress.
Was there ever progress? No, there was drugs.
So I am just as broken as I ever was, if not more.
I can't do this anymore.

I feel like I am solely just existing.

Are You Happy?

Are you happy?
It's not that hard of a question.
Are you happy?
What does "happy" even mean?
Are you happy?
There's too much shit going on for me to be happy.
Are you happy?
I will avoid this like the plague.
Are you happy?
Can we talk about something else?
Are you happy?
Don't I look happy?
Are you happy?
What are you talking about?
Are you happy?
I need a new excuse.
Are you happy?
Stop asking me stupid questions.
Are you happy?
I'm fine.
Are you happy?
I'll be alright.
Are you happy?
Are you happy?

Self-Titled.

Today I stood outside and closed my eyes to get a better feeling of the wind. I could feel it blowing all around me. The breeze through my bangs and against my legs. I could grasp the feeling of wind, but why not happiness? "Happiness is a choice." I hear this all the time, however "happiness" is a counterfeit of Joy. Therefore, it's not real? Everything I have been chasing after, every wish I make has always been, "Just to be happy." I think I have just made it into this huge mountain that I am going to have to climb just to feel better. In reality, it's just a choice. When things happen, I always think straight for the worst. I always tend to think things are not going to go my way, and I get so excited when they do. It's a rush of emotion, it makes me feel, even if it isn't the best emotion. [When you numb out the bad emotions, you are numbing the good ones too.] I feel like I need to take a deep breath, inhale, exhale, and realize life situations aren't always life or death. I think I just need to live a little.